Off-Balance

I'm still a little off-balance since Joyce passed away last week and I've gone from being sad to now becoming angry at my own treatment.

I spent hours researching why my chest will not heal correctly. First, I know that because I am a triple negative, I will have setbacks, everything will be harder, and I have to keep that in mind. People question it over and over and I can't explain it other than what I have been told; not enough research has been done to explain why that is, it just is. And TNBC patients heal much slower and have weaker immune systems.

Needless to say, I've become a little pissy. I am so sick of being sick. Lord forgive me, I don't want to treat anyone poorly, I really don't, but my life is on the line here so I have no patience left for anyone not willing to step it up. I feel ill and I'm weak, physically, and THAT scares me. If I had any energy whatsoever I could try to gain some strength, but then I would only jeopardize the two steps forward I might be making with my breasts that keep breaking open. This is a vicious circle that is breaking me down mentally and I could sure use some mercy.

After 6 surgeries, I found out that after EVERY surgery, a patient is up to 70% more likely to die from DVT (deep vein thrombosis) than if they hadn't had surgery. And that percentage is for a whole three months. So, basically, for the entire last year, I've been in that critical window....nice of ANYONE to fill me on that note. I mean, really, shouldn't someone, anyone, have thought to tell ME about it?? Well, actually, in their defense, they may have and my chemo brain did a dump.

Now, on the upside, diabetics are often treated for non-healing wounds in hyperbaric oxygen chambers and they are up to 65% effective. When I go to Tampa on Wednesday, I will ask for consideration to use the chambers. Either that, or I seriously have to consider removing the implants or a second opinion, or surgeon. I definitely have another problem and that will mean another surgery because there has been yet one more breach and I feel like a guinea pig...dammit....Something's gotta give...I just have to find the right person to help me.

I know how lucky I am, I do, I really do, I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that I may not have breasts after all...and for me, this very moment..that's tough. I've pretty much always been a girly girl and from the beginning of this, my light at the end of this tunnel was the reconstruction after chemo, etc. So now what?

Also,I'm not trying to be a downer here, but I promised I would try to keep this real and to do that means sharing the not so good days too....doing anything else would be disrespectful not only to myself, but to every breast cancer patient that follows down this road behind me. There are ups and there are downs, today is just one of those down days...and it too shall pass....the good Lord will pick me up again....